Special edition

1 april 2024

~7 min read

Tech giants lobby to remove multiplication from

school curriculums

For some behemoths in the tech sphere, multiplication is the enemy.

In a move that could potentially set humanity’s progress back by thousands of years, tech giants join hands with PAM (People Against Multiplication) to fight the war on multiplication. “Why does the common man need to know multiplication? Addition is so much cooler,” argues Poodle CEO Sunday Pitchers. Poodle is one of the many industry heavyweights that have started backing PAM—a move which just so happened to coincide with their switch to a SaaS model. 

“We’ve honed our instincts over thousands of years to identify what’s best for us. We don’t need multiplication to tell us that. For instance, if I were to tell you to purchase our software for $500, or to purchase a subscription to it for $100 a month, multiplication would have you believe that the first choice is better. But we instinctively know that 100 is less than 500, so obviously the subscription makes more sense. This is one of the many ways that multiplication can lead us astray,” Pitchers further explains.

PAM members across the nation have been campaigning by handing out plus signs in front of local schools. “All this multiplication’s been rotting our children’s brains. God gave us our intuition for a reason, we don’t need all this voodoo math in our lives. If I sell 3 pumpkins at $3 each at my store, I know that I’ll make $33. I don’t need to memorize any tables or chairs to figure that out, I just know. Trust your intuition, ” said a PAM representative who wished to remain anonymous.